echoes, patience, silence, and grace

with eyes wide shut and my deafening silence, i tried to walk away from the feast of pleasure and felicity. i long for that lifeline to make that periodic beep once more. as i walk farther, i feel restraints tightly pulling me back. if i force it, i would stumble and fall back to that dreadful state of being - pathetic and hopeless. every familiar voice whispers me to endure the suffering so i can get away when i get there. but somehow i am defeated by the pain. i try to carry as much hope and strong will as i can but along the way it just gets burnt out, sometimes spoiled, often lost or vanished.

i am the slave. the spell i am under seems to be a poison eating me alive and pushing me to the edge. no antidotes, no remedies, no counter-curses. there is no escaping such whatever that has dawned itself on me.

the good heart still reigns over resistance. anger was never revealed through the eyes of the used and abused, badly wanting to lift the tall middle finger on the wretched face of the enemy. tears can never wash away the pain. it dwells. it dwells deep within. and it sucks on the life that is left. 

still, there it sat - no remorse, no regrets, no whatsoever. going on and killing what is dead and understated. dead and not noticing it. 

i should do this more often

a sunday at the office. what dedication and what diligence. yes maybe. but not entirely. of course i needed to keep a close eye on what is going on on site. even if the situation seems hopeless, i still dont want to stop fighting just like what the others have done. they may have killed their torches but mine is still burning and i have no plans on shedding complete darkness. (hahahaha)

well anyways, i came here because it was a hot day. home was too hot. and im not really up to staying in bed all day. my housemates seemed unfriendly, and i didnt want to get too comfortable.

besides, i found peace here. and i thought, i should do this more often!

quite a while, and i missed you!

here is my comeback. it has been quite a while since my last entry. i have been dropping quick ones but seems never enough to get the whole unopened-letters-to-the-world experience. i missed this. i missed writing my thoughts out for my measly number of followers to chance upon. and if i am lucky, they read it. this, in a way, is my niche. i run back to writing when i get overloaded. for the past days (or weeks maybe), i never had the chance to just sit and watch my thoughts translate itself to countless number of finger movements on the keyboard. i never had this peace since i-cant-remember-when that i never had time to just reflect and bury myself to expressing myself.

that peace. i never had this one in a while. and i guess from this day i would be having quite more than the past few days. seems like things are falling into place (at least for me). the new home just loosened the tight grip around my neck. operation moving on and out accomplished. im still into adjustment but i know ill get the hang of it pretty soon. on that note, let me share that after a week on my new asylum, i have had, 3 smiling faces, 1 single-line conversation, and a bunch of condescending glances. so much for adjustment.

the heat outside as the sun begins to retire itself from all of this days light pretty much makes the mood perfect. when darkness strikes, i shall head away. im thinking about what i would do next. 

just because all of hell broke loose, doesn’t mean we have to give in to the fire. real defeat is when we loose the will to fight.

the please, the puhleezz, and the flying trapeze

after this long day of mostly waiting, im still tired and stressed and ghastly overused. all i have done today was push. push everyone to the deadline, pushed them to be pressured, pushed them to their limits, and probably pushed their buttons so much they got annoyed of me. i was persistent all day. and i wouldnt be surprised if by this time, all of them are talking about me over bottles of alcohol. “let’s all drink to that bitch who talks and nags so much.”

whatever! let me then drink, too, to those who put the pressure on me to put the pressure on them. i was just pressured. and it’s annoying when im so stressed about deadlines while the others doesnt seem to care that we are so behind the schedule. im writing here and, honestly, i have so much things to be reminded of in my head that im not sure where to begin.

take my desk for instance. full of papers i never want to dispose because in one way or another they are important documents for something. they say: “ang taong magulo ang mesa, magulo dn ang utak.” so i say, “ang taong walang laman ang mesa, wala din laman ang utak.”